WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIPS TURN TO SHIT, WHY YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO JERKS

WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIPS TURN TO SHIT, WHY YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO JERKS

You are not attracted to jerks unless you want to play the deadly drama of hurting your self and or others. Such jerks are everywhere looking for suckers. Great guys and gals are often more reserved. You have to go look for them. To do that you must believe you deserve them. You do. Then you must believe they are more fun in the long run than the jerk that is willing to do anything fun to hook you into their web of lies, drama, blaming, and aggressions. The nice guys and gals tend to be shyer and slow to get to know you better and trustworthy that you are not going to hurt them, before the fun begins.

Let’s say you meet the person of your dreams. You soar from emptiness to elation with DNA drives and primal emotions. The world could not be any better. You have arrived, or have you. If it seems too good to be true it may not be true. But you jump right in. 

Unforeseen, out of no where, the relationship turns, threatens you. From flaming passion to ashes, harsh and painful. Memories haunt you with ‘what went wrong, what did I do or not do.’ You secretly cry a little each day. Death has closure, not love. Should you, or could you do it again? 

Yes, try again with past or future relationships if you are able to rid yourself of past falsehoods, sour emotions, unproductive thoughts, and bad habits and addictions that drove you into a risky relationship longing for fulfillment. Learn some tricks of the trade from a psychological perspective. 

We people are a bit like robots, we can learn to talk to ourselves to turn off unproductive perceptions, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. We can begin to incorporate useful perceptions, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. They are all habits that can be changed and directed. We can also see if another person has realistic habits also.

 

————————————————————SIMPLE FORMULA TO KEEP IN MIND——————————————————

This is just a thumb nail view. I will illustrate on it more over time. To learn anything we must first be motivated. You must first perceive the opportunity to learn, you have a partner in mind. Next you must have a positive emotional expectation, meaningful thoughts, and reasonable follow through actions and reactions to start the relationship. When your efforts are rewarded you are well on the way to success if they are also doing the same. 

This is not a blind process, to avoid heart ache galore, you have to have the right partner. You may not know if you do or not so go slow and assess not only yourself but them. Don’t allow infatuation hormones to blind you, and set you up for the ensuing fight to come. 

 

 

 

 

 

To be motivated to do anything, including starting a relationship, we must have a need for it. In a relationship that ‘need’ should be loving or positive and it will then be the reward for accomplishing the relationship. Selfish or negative reasons or even neutral reasons will make us depressed, angry, or sluggish. With mind and heart leading the way you can soar into deep in love.

 

 

If you are defensive, a fear has thrown you into your Lower Nature Survival Mode. Now if you are in your survival mode your perceptions can be biased by what you want to see or lies or misperceptions from others. Your emotions will be selfish instead of open and inquiring. You may want to blame others instead of seeing your own behavior or seeing their behavior as having a reason other than the intentional hurting of you or others. You may want to react negatively rather than patiently solving the problem in a better way. 

Love will stop the fear and survival mode. Hold off on it. But defensiveness can be warranted, so don’t just automatically ignore the warning. Time will let you know which it is. 

Just as you bring yourself up from despair by avoiding lies, greed, blaming, and aggression, associating with others who do the same will help each other stay in the Upper Nature.

 

STEP ONE

Look for dysfunctional patterns of action you usually do in relationships that lead to undesirable consequences.  These can be inattentiveness to detail, impulsive behaviors, don’t care attitudes, negative thoughts, or negative actions such as anger, meltdowns, rages. Look at what, when, where, why, how, and who at the time they happened, do they change with different days, months, seasons, situations, people, etc., how they are the same or different? Do they change with different emotions, different thoughts, different situations?

 

STEP TWO

Then look in your childhood or past traumatic situations to see if they were there then and again now, what, when, where, why, how, and who. How was it the same or different? This will help you to begin to gain insight. The insights can be that the patterns are from genetic reasons such as ADHD, BiPolar rages or depressions, fear, anger (fueled by fear), general anxiety, or entirely situational, specific or generalized.

Label the emotions past and now. Are they the same or different. Look at the emotions you felt in childhood or in other traumatic events. Are they bleeding over to the present to color the here and now with old feelings of childhood helplessness. Do you see these as spontaneous or flashback emotions, from beliefs, or from the situations you are in or from the people you are relating to, how are they the same or different. Remember if we are in our survival mode, Lower Nature, this step may be very selfish or self only oriented. Try and be objective to help stay in your Upper Nature. 

STEP THREE

 

Now we are going to have you look at your beliefs and value systems. But first a few rules. Rule one to keep in mind is that all people do what they think is right for the time and moment, they are sincere about it and if they do not do what works it is because of ignorance. The second rule is if we react negatively or with anger it is not their actions that caused our reaction but it is because of our belief that they should not have acted such and therefor we demand with our reaction that they meet our expectations or the fight is on. The question then becomes this, should they, or even could they have reacted as we expected given their ignorance or other limitations? Are we ignorant of their ignorance, or of our own? 

What are our beliefs and values and what are theirs? How do they interact? These are not easy questions to answer. So relax and let the thoughts flow with ease and look for any patterns and emotions that seem to pop up. Let the brain analyze it without the conscious pressure of now or never. 

Some patterns of beliefs, emotional reactions, and perceptions can be traced to genetic tendencies, childhood experiences, and learned beliefs. How are they different or the same? Males tend to perceive status hierarchies more then women, are ingrained in them more in childhood then girls, and belief systems encourage them more then with women, and female tendencies to nurture may pervade their perceptions, emotional reactions, and belief systems differently then men. How do they vary with different situations, how are they alike or different. This again can be hard at time to decipher, so relax and let the brain do the work without pressure, just enjoy thinking about it.

 

STEP FOUR

We have genetic and learned talents and interests. Most habits are learned but genetics can make certain habits easier. Some are born with musical, artistic, emotional, logical, or physical talents and interests that make habit forming easier or harder. Look for those perceptual, emotional, logical, or physical patterns through out stages of life and different situations. How are they similar and how are they different. Again, relax and speculate, don’t worry that you are not getting it. Time will help it come. The brain has to process and it’s a lot of information for the brain to sort out and put to together. Insights will pop up at times unexpectedly. 

If you are in your lower nature of survival you may find yourself seeing exaggerated patterns of perception, self centered emotions, justifications to blame others, and aggressive or revengeful behaviors. Try and be as objective as possible.