How To: Relationship Between Normal And Nerdy

Grandma, like a lot of women tend to overlook their significant’s partner’s limitation and continue to expect more than they get. Her personality is in the normal range with no real personality disorders. she is an optimist, looking for the best in others. She perceives fun and love from him. Without that she may not have stayed with him.

Grandma plans on having fun going on a walk with Grandpa. But down deep, unconsciously, her  Lower Nature prepares for the inevitable chaos to come when Grandpa’s depressed self harbors his paranoid conspiracy theory that her ulterior motives are to set him up for failure. As a nurd, his Lower Nature has a history of people being disappointed in his responses because he is not as people oriented as others but is more electronics oriented. 

Grandpa’s Lower Nature prepares itself for the danger it perceives is coming. His Raccoon tells his perception not to waist time on positive stuff. His great sedentary patience tells his love and reasoning to shrink and not try to find anything reasonable or loving. His Conscious choice he feels is too small to be heard and he has low energy. So he turns his plan of action to his Lower Nature.

His lies or avoidance of truths will shut down his ability to see Grandma’s reality, Raccoon goes into self centered mode, crow’s conspiracy theory takes over to save him from his perceived danger, and his Coyote will fight to the end.

In a normal conversation when both parties are in their Upper Natures, the conversation is very much like a friendly non-competitive game. They confirm all is fine with each other, their tone or words will also confirm they are ok with each other, one suggests what they want to do and the other confirms or makes other suggestions, then they mutually decide what to do next. 

That is way too risky and easy for Grandpa. No matter what Grandma says he will resist exposing his real fears to her for fear it will show his weaknesses. He even will deny her love as that is also risky because he would have to confirm his love, and again he would be vulnerable to rejection, and he has had a lot of that from other people, or from her criticism if they have had fights. He will not want to go for a walk, that’s her idea and she would be in charge of too much. Better to go hide behind his computer. But Grandma is not going to take no for an answer, that would be the end of their relationship if it was always no, no, no. And she knows he really does want to be with her. So she chooses something she knows he won’t say no to. She has learned she will never get a straight enthusiastic response so a “I guess” means yes, please.

Inside, Grandma’s Lower Nature has responded to Grandpa’s disappointing responses, and would love to take over and blast Grandpa’s responses with drama, and in the past probably has done so many times. But she has learned it goes no where, so she checks herself. She resists letting Spiedie tell him off by saying  she does not care or that she cares way too much, her Cuddles tells Raccoon to resist selfish revenge, and resists Crow from calling him on his conspiracy theory of paranoia, or if she does to do it in a helping way. And she has to stop and think about it.

She try’s to think of an altruistic way to go about it, a way that would help them both do better. Grandpa does not want to loose male status by being too agreeable to a female, he is not that sure of his male status because even other guys will ignore him for being a nurd.

So she decides to help him understand Ethnography, the science of observation, to help him see realities asking her what he should be looking for. She basically is telling him to observe the four widgets in the Upper Nature, not to let his Spiedie decide what he should look for but to see patterns in other’s verbal, emotional, thinking, and physical behaviors. This way he does not have to challenge his paranoia and ways of thinking but to just solve the puzzle of finding patterns, no judgement involved. She has faith that people can do this if not threatened and with no need to fight back. With no threat and not anterior motives reality can be seen. 

 

So she tells him to just take count of factors, such as behaviors and words spoken, by others under different situations, different times, different people, and any other factors he see’s in those situations and times. It would be like an alien from outer space trying to figure out what earth creatures are all about, or if a person wants to understand patterns for animals, plants, or any objects, such as rocks. 

When the conversation is non-threatening in a good environment and space they can share their childhoods and experiences in life. Now remember, Grandpa probably has not thought about those things so Grandma may have to ask questions about his childhood from him, his parents, and friends. It is not an easy task. In other words Grandma has to do ethnographic work of her own and look for patterns from his past. If she is in the normal ranges she probably has already done this for her own experiences. Parents and friends probably helped her do this her whole life. We often think these things come easy so everyone should have done it. Not so easy, it takes wise people to share with each other.

Talking about how hard it is to understand other’s perceptions and emotions it is even more difficult to see their reasoning. Men and women not only have different experiences growing up they also have different genetic leanings. Testosterone connects to instincts in the Lower Nature to hunt or to fight. As testosterone lowers after the age of 16 to 18 men tend to simmer down a lot more and by the age of 40 usually do no more crime than women if they are not in organized crime. 

Estrogen tends to predispose women to less aggression and towards more nurturing. This means their logic will involve more emotions of love and fairness. That was needed by nature for the survival of the species, so difficult children can survive. 

In general, woman will lead a relationship to succeed if men will follow them. This does not make men weak, they rule the world of men. But they can not rule the world of women and children without risking neglect and abuse creeping in. 

To be fair, women must listen to men and men listen to women. 

When it comes to actions, people in relationships need to be servants, not slaves but servants that take pride in their craft. Parents serve their children and teach them how to be servants as they grow up. With Grandpa and Grandma she is more skilled at conducting relationships. If he controls his paranoia, by observing, not being oppositional, not being judgmental, and open to suggestions, Grandma will serve him and teach him to be a servant to her, and be fair about it.

In general, if one or both people in a relationship fall within the normal range, in other wise, no serious personality disorders, the formula for successful relationships is to stay in your Upper Natures, not be defensive. Then Listen and observe what works, be a non-selfish servant, see each others strength and weaknesses, and as a team plan your actions and activities so each person can be successful in meeting their goals and passions