Basic Tools to BUILD A RELATIONSHIP

HOW TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP

Hold off on sex. It makes everything complicated with lots of feelings without assurance that it is safe to have the relationship, before there is trust and stability. And if your partner has no such feelings then be aware that they are not serious about a relationship, that they only want sex. and there are a lot of guys who have sexual addictions. They use sex to feel better or to ward off boredom. Like a drug or alcohol addiction it robs them of their full empathy, it commandeers the pleasure producers in the brain so they don’t experience as much pleasure in life or in others, and they are not as interested in the more sensitive deep feelings of a relationship.

You want to go slow in a relationship so both of you can understand each other better and process the tons of information you will be exploring with each other to build a predictable stable relationship. In a way, you will want to assess your own personality and strengths and weaknesses and at the same time their personality and strengths and weaknesses so you can better understand how to help each other and work together. If you go too fast infatuation will blind you to who you are with and will not let you see clearly for up to three years. This is why a lot of relationships fall apart in that time frame as they begin to realize they do not really like each other or that they are not really compatible without a lot of work, not only to undue the problems or misconceptions they had but to start over and try and learn who each other really are, what they needed to do in the beginning. Let me give you a statistical tool to help you assess your self and others.

Assessment Tool

Basically we assess others by comparing them to ourselves. And to assess ourselves we compare ourselves to the average person, we call the average the norm or normal. We all have an idea of what’s normal, the brain does that for us and may be quite accurate if we are not addicted to things that mess up our brain processors. If addicted or biased, we really need to ask others, or the experts what is normal and then in our assessment of others figure in the bias we have.

Height of Adult Humans…………  2’…………………………..5’…………………………..6’……………………….7′

 

We generally call their 85% as the average range. Let’s look at the height of adult people. We could say all the way to the left is the smallest dwarf, perhaps only two to three feet tall. The the very left are the tallest people, perhaps over seven feet tall. We could then say the average or normal height of adults are from 5 to 6 feet tall. It is arbitrary but well accepted.

If we take any human trait, say kindness, and say it varies from one to a hundred, and then say those at the extreme left has No Kindness and to the extreme right is one hundred or the kindest persons alive. Then the average is in the middle section, some being less kind and some more, but no one is evil or a saint in the average range. Fifty would be the dead average. Where on the kindness scale would you put yourself, and where would your partner land? You got the idea.

There are a limitless number of human traits you can think of. We will look at the widgets groups, (see KEY in menu at top of page to review widgets), Perception, Emotions, Thinking, and Actions as four steps in assessing yourself and partner to better see the dynamics you are working with. This is an overview, when you have explored more of your own personality and that of another in more detail, then you will begin to understand more on your own.

The Natural Progression of a Relationship

Our Drive, or motivation for a relationship, is for a deep and satisfying relationship that helps us succeed in the goal of happiness and productivity. The reward we will accomplish is the same as our motivation, a deep and satisfying relationship with success and happiness.

In the diagram above I have illustrated the brain widgets as being in the seas of changing stress. If the brain’s widgets are normal and so balanced with each other the seas of stress are calmer because the widgets are able to communicate with each other to see reality.

In the picture above Ant and Bee percieve the environment as normal, Macho declares there is no danger to fear, Cuddles feels caring and loving, Geru plans our trip or journey for the moment, and Turtle patiently allows Rabbit to comply with Consciousness that is like the Captain that says proceed ahead, all is well.

Dragon, our alter ego, survival mode, is still there but subdued waiting to act if danger is seen. His gang is just waiting to see if they may be needed.

The four steps or stages of our brain again, as discussed above are Step One, perception, Step Two, emotions, Step Three, thoughts and beliefs, and Step Four, patiently taking action and repeating steps One to Four over and over.

STEP ONE: Perceive with accurate detail

We have to perceive the world correctly enough to see our opportunities for love and success. Ant sees details such as dates, times, small facts and Bee sees patterns, such as how things are put together and work, such as norms or culture.

Macho fear looks for familiar dangers so he can alert the Lower Nature Widgets fo Freeze you, get you to Flight, or if need be to Fight. The Lower Nature is not as bright as the Upper Nature and does not have good memories, so lots of things may seem dangerous that really are not. Spiedie’s lies can cloud your perceptions for unrealistic dangers.

We use the statistical model to see where any particular person falls in the range of a trait. Their placement is the result of many factors such as genetics, how they were raised, the beliefs and cultures they are in, and the situations they are in. It depends on so many factors that it is a random thing where they fall. If we make a test of any trait with scores of one to one hundred and give it to a group of people of fifty or more the scores, or the people, will fall like sand into the pile. The dead average will be the middle line. 50% will be under the dead average and 50% will be greater.  To help you fall in the better half of the range of any trait, such as IQ, kindness, success, etc. you can improve your Upper Nature Widgets and balance them to work together.

How To Improve Perception

Ethnography is the science of observation. Let’s look at looking at patterns of discontent in the work place. Scientists identify the main factors in a situation and count, keep tally, of how often in a group identified factors, such as age, sex, time of day or week or month, emotions, statements made, rules of action or their deviation, in what part of the environment you are looking at, etc. influence the situation and in what combinations. Keeping count can be as easy as putting check marks on paper every time a factor occurs, let’s say what sex has what emotion, or thoughts, or actions. The situation you are observing will show you what factors and combinations of factors to use.

The placement and volume of the check marks will show you the patterns. If you want to get fancy you can figure the average of the check marks in each situation. A pattern could be 10% of the males get angry and say rude things in the men’s room when the subject of sexism comes up.

We have to perceive the world correctly enough to see our opportunities for love and success. Ant sees details such as dates, times, small facts and Bee sees patterns, such as how things are put together and work, such as political behaviors.

Spiedie looks for familiar dangers so he can alert fear and stop the Upper Nature Widgets so the Lower Nature Widgets can Freeze you, get you to Flight, or if need be to Fight. The Lower Nature is not as bright as the Upper Nature and does not have good memories, so lot of things may seem dangerous that really are not. Spiedie can cloud your perceptions for unrealistic dangers.

When we see the men only get angry in the men’s room we feel safer then if they were trying to start fights with the female workers. We may surmise from the pattern that helping the men vent their concerns better they may not have to turn their frustration into anger.

STEP TWO: We have to know when to be afraid, when to risk and proceed, so we are not too intimidated.

 

What often happens in families is that one parent may be too abusive, their love is replaced with selfish Raccoon, they then are a perpetrator and the abused person, often the child, will have, Macho, fears. The other parent will also feel the same about the abuse and may then have love, for say the child, and will rescue them. This can become a vicious cycle of abuse to the child to punish the rescuer, who then rescues the child and the perpetrator gets worse. In a healthy relationship, say Father, Mother, and child, all will share love with each other and this calms their fears. In any relationship of just two people there is always loved ones or friends and relatives that make up the third person in the relationship. In the working relationship at work the third party is the boss, Formans, or supervisors.

When you are more comfortable you can discuss childhoods and other situations that caused triangulations. Don’t share yet your fears and horrible abuses if trust has not developed. You don’t want to trust anymore then you can predict what they will do with the information. Such information can be ammunition down the road to use against you if they are not totally fair and caring. Perceive the events and patterns and keep tally so you begin to see the realities of the relationship. But you must be fair when you do this or you will only grow more biased and resentful.

Let me state it now. In a relationship both parties need to be a servant of the other, look out for their feelings, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. Dating usually will bring out such behaviors but if they do not last beyond dating people will begin to show their biases. You want to take note of biased behaviors and look for details and patterns as they will show up again. Step one is useful in observing what goes on in Step two.

Empathy is our guide in how to treat others. If we can sense the other person is uncomfortable with what we say, feel, think, or act we can change how we are presenting it so they do not feel too uncomfortable. Maybe the women at work can be a little more softer in how they present their demands for equality.

Relationships should also be fair, as fair as a loving parent who take from a relationship only what they need to feel safe and loved, and they give to the other what is needed. So a man may help his female partner with heavy things, and she may help him with emotional matters.

Beware of infatuation, that elated feeling that you have found the one at last. It tends to blind people so they don’t question their partners enough about who they really are.

You want to use Step One to see what factors affect fear and love, and how much, so you can better understand what’s going on between the two of you. What are your strengths and weaknesses, and how do they affect your own and each others perceptions, emotion, thoughts, and actions. You need to know this if a relationship is going to be a team rather that opposing contenders.

With the work team fairness is important. There is a lot of politics in a work place if it is left to the discrepancy of workers without rules and regulations. There will be a lot of triangulations between workers with feelings hurt everywhere. One of the biggest problems I have encountered working with work place problems in the mental health area is that often the most technical individuals that are the most productive members often fall in the Aspergers spectrum and because their social skills are not always where others expect them to be they become the victim of fellow workers, especially if others want their positions.

STEP THREE

Ok, back to the steps, Step Three. Geru flys high to see the big picture, all the factors in a situation. Not only does Geru check out the widgets in his crew, to see what is weak or too strong for the others, he looks at groups of people, and how they interact or effect the other groups. To make it simple Geru is going to look at the departments, shops or agencies of the city, of the local politics, of the nations, etc. by their widgets. Yes, groups and organizations have personalities from the accumulation of people’s perceptions, emotions, thoughts, and actions.

Ant and Bee can be the Media that reports what they think is important and part of the puzzle of society. Geru basically helps Ant and Bee what to look for. This can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on the wisdom of Geru. If it’s Crow the news may be a conspiracy theory putting out untruths, fear, blaming, and violence.

Geru also helps love and fear to be wiser and not over react causing fear to alert the Lower Nature or not enough fear to stop a person from seeing danger in the wrong type of person to have a relationship with. Love is great, but blind love can get you into lots of hot water.

With out Geru’s wisdom patient Turtle and energetic Rabbit have no idea what they should do and at what pace. Relationships need to go slow and to stay in the Upper Nature to have safe fun things to do.

What is the Philosophy of the person you want a relationship with, what is their values and assumptions about others, you and people in general. If the last partners they had were “to blame,” the evil one, you may be the next ‘evil one.’ If they are judgmental they are in their Lower Nature at times, or all the time. It’s only a matter of time, their Crow will blame you for their anger or discontent or boredom.

What kind of world do they live in their imaginations. Is it realistic, is it tinted by negative biases. You will end up in their world so don’t fall for the infatuation or fun you may be having as if it will last forever.

By the way, you have to see if you also are in the world of the Lower Nature. How do you know? You will know if you lie, are selfish, blame others, and do not take responsibility for your perceptions, emotions, thoughts, or deeds, and or you do things you know are wrong, or you purposefully hurt others. Also if the world seems like it is full of perpetrators and you are often the victim. If you or your partner are in their Lower Nature, you or they will end up being perpetrators and or victims.

To get out of the Lower Nature you will need to work on all the steps. If you are in the Lower Nature because you feel trapped in an unfair world you will need to see the positive opportunities out there for you, no matter who you are. Better scanning the reality and it’s many opportunities, a more positive outlook, and better plans. That could include college to see opportunity, counseling for past abuse or trapping thought, and planning the steps you can handle at your own pace, and schooling or practice to get the talents and skills up to where you can use them.

Step Four, fun is fun and can really help bond people together. But if it is not positive, loving, fun that is fair and serving humanity, you are playing with the devil. If problematic drama is the fun you like then your Lower Nature is too dominant or you are listening to other’s Lower Natures saying you do not deserve better, or perhaps you are bored with nice people because you have not developed your Upper Nature enough to know how to have good clean fun.

What ever the first three steps need, you will also need to listen to your talents, skills, and abilities, as they are your tools. Schools can often help you accomplish them faster and more accurately for certain jobs. If you have natural talents in an area it will be easier for you to progress with ease.

Know yourself and the other before you get in too deep to split without destruction, mayhem, hard feeling, and or not giving a shit. If this is all too complicated and you think you are operating from your Lower Nature you may want to seek out counseling to learn to be free of the past.

You want to do things that help the both of you to learn more so that your Ant, Bee, and Geru see reality better, even if it is just to read science books, social sciences, books on relationships. Do things to gather. You may have different interests and talents. That’s ok, teach each other, or learn alone then share as a couple, or as a group if you are part of a group, so together your shared Widgets know more. A team, or  a group, has a set of widgets that reflect what they see, feel, think, and do. In other wards couples, groups, cities, nations, all of humanity has a personality of the shared universal consensus of understandings, emotions, wisdom, and activities.

Other categories at the right of the pages will go over different personality disorders and ways to change.